Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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