i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
