she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
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the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
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My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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