I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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