47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
All I want is dick and wine.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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