Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
