I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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