and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
