4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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