I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
