I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
