i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I looked at my own cervix.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
