i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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