During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
