We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Randomize
