very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
