I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
