Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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