You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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