when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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