Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
