this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
