): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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