If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
