How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
