drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
