Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
