hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just pee around me
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Randomize
