Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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