I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
