i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
