Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
