she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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