Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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