my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
