How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
