I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Damn victory sex feels great
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
