I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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