hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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