He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
