so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
