just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
