What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
