If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
