Even water is tasting like jack daniels
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
