i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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