Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
