This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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