hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
