You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
