so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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