one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
what day is it and did you see me today?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I love you. Go after that dick
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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