I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Randomize
