I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
