I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
