she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
