Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
